Dhaya Lakshminarayanan - "The Clinton Connection"

Jul 31, 2015
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Transcript

GLYNN WASHINGTON, HOST:

Welcome back to SNAP JUDGMENT Live, the "Breakout" special already in progress.

Now then, you have heard from the cool kids. Now it's time to bring out a nerd. It is my distinct pleasure to introduce a veteran to the SNAP JUDGMENT stage, Ms. Dhaya Lakshminarayanan.

(APPLAUSE)

DHAYA LAKSHMINARAYANAN: When Bill Clinton was elected president, I was elated. I just had to meet him. You see, I'm kind of a political nerd, you know? When the girls at the salon are reading, like, Cosmo, Glamour, People, Us - you know, magazines that give you bad body image - I want to read a magazine that makes me feel good about my body, like The Economist.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: Two months ago, Kim Jong-un was on the cover.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: My bad hair day - not so bad.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I follow elections like other people follow - what is that thing with the ball and the running and they hate women and gay people? - oh, football. Yes, that's it.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I follow elections like that. And Bill Clinton was the ultimate nerd - a Rhodes scholar who could talk budget numbers and he also connected with human beings. And like a true nerd, he chose a robot as his vice president.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: One day, my friend and I heard that Bill Clinton was coming to a local public school as part of his re-election campaign stop. So we camped out and then we rushed into the gymnasium. Bill Clinton had finished speaking - about what, I don't know - but he was coming down the rope line to shake hands with people. He was connecting with each individual like they were the only person in the room. Some people asked about foreign policy. Some people just wanted to offer support. But I, I would be different. I would connect with him nerd to nerd, and I would say something brilliant. He comes by and I see him. I stick out my hand and right then, I'm feeling a little lightheaded. I hadn't eaten all day. My stomach growls. And I say, Mr. President, what's your favorite junk food?

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I blew it. But I look over at him and it looks like he might look at me and say something. I take a deep breath, and just at that moment, some jerk behind me pushes me so he can get in there. And what happens next is - keep in mind I'm 5 feet tall and this is big Bill Clinton - so he pushes me and I kind of end up in Bill Clinton's cleavage like this.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: And I'm kind of jammed in there. But Bill Clinton, you know, like, he's the master politician. Like, even if there's a little Indian wedged in his cleavage...

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: He's been to India. He's immune.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: So we kind of keep shaking hands with people...

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: ...With me in his cleavage.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: And the Secret Service is all like, is she trying to smuggle herself into his shirt?

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I kind of wriggle myself out, and I go to the back to join my friend. And he's like, what the hell was that, weirdo?

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I was like, I was nervous. I don't know what happened. Well, did he smell good at least?

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I don't know what he smelled like. I was gasping for air.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I was humiliated but not defeated. Bill Clinton continued to inspire me. So many, many years later, I got an awesome job, a job where I was working for a very wealthy man. Let's just call him FBG, famous business guy. FBG had so much money, he lived in Nevada to avoid state income tax. But he wanted to give all his money away, and I was helping him with that. It was perfect. I got to nerd-out about social responsibility and investing and give away money that wasn't mine - the best job ever.

One day, my boss, FBG, approaches me, and he's like, Dhaya, I'm going to need for you to go out of state on a trip. And I was like, oh, OK, cool. What is it? He's like, well, bad news - it's in Little Rock, Ark. But good news - it's at the Clinton library. A reception follows after, and you get to be my representative. And I was like, cool. So I arrived at the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library. The after-party is amazing. There's dignitaries all around - senators, governors, people in outfits that I've never seen before from the U.N. And I am strategically placed by the food table. I am eating many quiches and micro cream puffs. Just then, I feel a presence in the room. People rise to their feet - applause. People are going crazy. It's Bill Clinton. And this is post-surgery Bill Clinton, so he's a little skinnier and a little tired. But the magic is still there.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: I would now meet Bill Clinton. It was destiny. I had also eaten, so I wouldn't say anything stupid.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: My turn was next.

Hello, Mr. President. I'm Dhaya Lakshminarayanan, and I'm here representing FBG, your friend. He told me to say hello.

Bill Clinton looked at me and he goes, yeah, OK. And he walked away.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: Yeah, OK? Man, skinny Bill Clinton was no fun. Well, I missed my chance, so I went back to work, filed my report via email to minimize human contact. And a couple weeks later, I go on vacation - well, it wasn't vacation. It was a bachelorette party. And the bachelorette, she just wanted us to fly to Vegas, spend a lot of money and be wild girls. And I was like, wild girls? And she goes, yeah, just, like, wear your sexiest, smallest, like, craziest, little dress. And I have these, like, little, lacy collars that you can wear that are going to be so cute. They look like poodle dog collars. Yeah, she was annoying. That's why she's not my friend anymore.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: But I show up at, you know, this hotel in Vegas at the Palms. And we kind of shimmy over to the bar like we're Jackee Harry from "227."

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: We sit down at the bar with our drinks. The bartender's like, over here, that's Dennis Rodman, over there, Vince Neil. And way back there, that long table set for 20, Bill Clinton is about to walk in.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: Oh, cool, that's awesome. You know what's funny? My boss, FBG, lives in Nevada and he knows Bill. Wouldn't it be funny if - then all of a sudden, I feel a presence. People start standing up. The guys behind the glass wall of the cigar bar start banging on the glass. People are applauding and going crazy. Bill Clinton walks in - and with him is my boss. He looks right at me and goes, Dhaya? And, ladies in this room, I don't know if you've ever had the experience where you're wearing a skimpy, sexy dress and you have to simultaneously pull it up and pull it down.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: And I have this weird collar thing - necklace - that I'm trying to hide with my hair, so I look kind of Amish.

(LAUGHTER)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: And I walk over - hi, great to see you here. I'm with some of my friends. And I turn around, and they're like woo-hoo (ph), girls, wow, cosmos. She's actually a very successful software engineer. And then my boss points to Bill Clinton and says, Dhaya, have you met President Clinton? I know my face is brown, but it feels red right now. I kind of look at the floor, but then I feel he's looking down at me. I look up. Our eyes connect. We make a deep connection. And I say, Mr. President, my friend is getting married and I'm here for a bachelorette party. And he goes, Dhaya, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

LAKSHMINARAYANAN: My boss looks over at me and the outfit that I'm wearing, and that's the last time he would ever make eye contact with me again.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

WASHINGTON: Understand this - that story, along with every story you hear on this show, is available at snapjudgment.org. The video film, amazing live versions - see it go down. Don't go anywhere. SNAP JUDGMENT, the live episode, will continue in just a moment. Stay tuned.

Dhaya Lakshminarayanan.

(APPLAUSE)

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