Take Me To Church

May 12, 2017

We took the Hozier song "Take Me to Church," which compares falling in love to going to church, and rewrote it to be about other cheap date ideas. Makes total sense!

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CECIL BALDWIN: This is NPR's ASK ME ANOTHER. I'm puzzle guru Cecil Baldwin with guest musician Julian Velard. Now, here's your host, Ophira Eisenberg.

(APPLAUSE)

OPHIRA EISENBERG AND CECIL BALDWIN AND JULIAN VELARD: Thank you, Cecil. Before the break, we met our contestants, Sarah and Brian. Soon, they'll play a game about fun, cheap dates like going to church because I, like you, do a lot of praying on first dates.

BALDWIN: I actually do a lot of praying before first dates.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: (Laughter) What are you praying for?

BALDWIN: I'm like, oh, please let this one not be as crazy as the last one.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: (Laughter) And how often does that work out?

BALDWIN: You know, if - I don't think God's really listening.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Sarah, there's a rumor floating around that you're Jerry Seinfeld's daughter, and that...

SARAH GOLDSTEIN: Yes, that is correct.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: ...You started that rumor.

GOLDSTEIN: Yes, true on both accounts.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: OK, why did you start the rumor?

GOLDSTEIN: So my dad who, again, is here - he looks very much like Jerry Seinfeld, although it's really more so that sometimes Jerry Seinfeld looks exactly like my dad.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDSTEIN: It's like a weird - it's just a weird thing, but it is true. So I was explaining that to somebody many years ago, and they misheard me, and they thought I said Jerry Seinfeld is my dad. And so I just ran with it, which was fine. And then it became this weird thing that, like, when I would meet people that I would know I would never see again, I would just be like, oh yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's my dad. It was kind of weird. I just didn't think anybody would ever, like, go for it.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Were they like, can I meet him? Can I - can you give me tickets to a show - anything like that?

GOLDSTEIN: They treated me differently because they thought I was super rich.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Yeah.

GOLDSTEIN: So.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Brian, OK, so you're an actuary that works with natural disasters. So what's the chance there's going to be a natural disaster soon?

BRIAN NORTON: About a 1 in a hundred.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: One in a hundred?

NORTON: Yes, correct, exactly.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Oh, wow, that's fantastic.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: So I don't have to worry about anything.

NORTON: No, you're fine.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: OK.

NORTON: Don't worry about it (laughter).

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Here to perform your next game is guest musician Julian Velard.

JULIAN VELARD: We took the Hosier song "Take Me To Church," which compares falling in love to going to church, and rewrote it to be about cheap date ideas - makes total sense.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: OK, so buzz in to answer.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Sarah, you won the last game, so you win this, and you are off to the final round. Brian, you need to win this or you'll have to convert to a random religion on our...

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Wheel of faiths.

(LAUGHTER)

VELARD: (Singing) To induce idea digestion, they want an audience suggestion. If ours gets through the congestion, this troupe will act the question. Are they so glib? They can adlib. Command them to think fast. Yes, yes and yes and.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Sarah.

GOLDSTEIN: Improv. Or do I need be more specific?

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Improv is as specific as I need.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDSTEIN: Great (laughter).

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: But that's good, yeah. Give me a show - improv show. That is what we were looking for.

GOLDSTEIN: Cool.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

VELARD: (Singing) Up on the roof, we'll see our big old star give off less and less light. We'll see all the colors the pollution makes bright. And it happens on the regular. It's free - watching day turn to night.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Sarah.

GOLDSTEIN: Stargazing?

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: No, that is not what we're looking for. I understand why you went that route but not exactly.

GOLDSTEIN: Oh.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Brian, can you steal?

NORTON: Watching the sunset.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Watching the sunset, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

VELARD: (Singing) We can't afford to see the Yankees, but farm teams will still please. And we'll be at the ballpark, eating dogs that do not bark. In the summers, see up-and-comers.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Brian.

NORTON: A Minor League Baseball game.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: That is correct, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

VELARD: (Singing) It will not be any hassle to watch "The Man In The High Castle" or "Fleabag." Don't get nervous because I have the streaming service. It's apparent that "Transparent" ain't on no network.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Brian.

NORTON: Streaming TV, specifically Amazon (laughter).

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: (Laughter) Yeah, that is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: I know. We got specific with our streaming in that question.

VELARD: (Singing) No Masters tourney. The course comes up to my knee. But we will hit the balls together, grab a small victory. Through the tunnel and the bridge, through the windmill, that's three. You avoided the castle. See, we don't need a tee.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Brian.

NORTON: Going mini golfing.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Mini golf is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

NORTON: You keep saying things I've done.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: You've done these things?

NORTON: Yes.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Really?

NORTON: Yeah.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Miniature golf?

NORTON: Yeah.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Watching Amazon, Minor League Baseball?

NORTON: Not yet.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Not - (laughter) oh.

NORTON: Good idea, though.

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: I love that we're inspiring you, very good. That's very funny.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: All right, this is your last clue.

VELARD: (Singing) National Mall - the Spirit of St. Louis is in this domain. Apollo 11 and the Wright Brothers plane. We can touch a lunar rock. And, hey, on the wallet, no strain.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Sarah.

GOLDSTEIN: The Smithsonian?

EISENBERG AND BALDWIN AND VELARD: Can you be more specific?

GOLDSTEIN: No?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDSTEIN: Going there, walking around in it?

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Yeah, I need a specific museum.

GOLDSTEIN: The space portion?

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Yeah - yeah - yeah, Air and Space. That's yeah...

GOLDSTEIN: Yeah (laughter).

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Looking for the National Air and Space Museum, but we will take space portion.

GOLDSTEIN: Great, that's great.

EISENBERG: Puzzle guru Cecil Baldwin, how did our contestants do?

BALDWIN: Congratulations, Brian, you won that game.

(APPLAUSE)

BALDWIN: All right. So we've tied one game apiece. It's time for a quick game three. I'll give you a category, and you'll go back and forth, naming things that fall into that category. The first contestant to mess up will be eliminated. Buzz in to answer first. So here's your category - the seven official James Bond films with titles stylized as one word, no spaces.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

BALDWIN: Brian.

NORTON: "Goldfinger."

BALDWIN: "Goldfinger," Sarah?

GOLDSTEIN: Just going to think for a minute here. This is not my category.

BALDWIN: Three seconds.

GOLDSTEIN: Well, had a good run.

(LAUGHTER)

BALDWIN: Oh, Sarah. We're sorry to see you go.

GOLDSTEIN: I don't watch James Bond (laughter).

BALDWIN: The other answers not mentioned were "Goldeneye," "Moonraker," "Octopussy," "Skyfall," "Spectre," and "Thunderball." Brian, you're headed on to the final round. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.