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The Graveyard Shift

GLYNN WASHINGTON, HOST:

Welcome back to SNAP JUDGMENT from PRX and NPR - the infamous episode. My name is Glynn Washington. And today on the show, we're digging into stories from people whose fame precedes them, and our next story never happened. At least, it hasn't happened yet. Join me, if you would, at the biggest, baddest box store in the land in the middle of the night. SNAP JUDGMENT.

(SOUNDBITE OF READING)

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: Here at Worldmart, we put your shopping experience first.

ELIZA SMITH, BYLINE: (As Janine) There's a finger in housewares.

JUSTIN CARDER: (As Narrator) I don't ask what she means. I can't think of anything funny to say. I can never think of anything when I'm talking to Janine because I'm in love with her.

I'll check it out, stat. Stat? Come on, man.

None of this really matters since I don't have a chance in hell with her anyway. We worked the graveyard shift at Worldmart, biggest store in the human world. We're open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. For eight hours every night, there are two of us in here minding the store, which is roughly the size of three city blocks.

(SOUNDBITE OF AD)

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN: Did you know here at World Mart...

SMITH: (As Janine) Take a left at the towel racks. It's right by the slow cookers.

CARDER: (As Narrator) You weren't kidding. That's definitely a finger.

SMITH: (As Janine) I told you.

CARDER: (As Narrator) We should tell HQ.

SMITH: (As Janine) I don't know. You call headquarters if you want to. I just want it to go away.

CARDER: (As Narrator) OK.

I go back to where the finger is. I pick it up and put it in my vest pocket.

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #2: Sign your family up for a family plan.

SMITH: (As Janine) Where'd it go?

CARDER: (As Narrator) In my pocket.

SMITH: (As Janine) Ew.

CARDER: (As Narrator) Sounds like it's in toiletries.

(SOUNDBITE OF FOOTSTEPS)

MELISSA BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

CARDER: (As Narrator) Oh, my God. Do you - do you see that? Is that a woman - a zombie woman? Janine?

But Janine's gone. I turn and see her flat out sprinting toward power tools, and now I'm alone, face-to-face with this woman - zombie woman.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

CARDER: (As Narrator) She's older than Janine, closer to my age - maybe early twenties - missing a bit of her face, but otherwise sort of pretty, in a melancholy way.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

CARDER: (As Narrator) Pretty Zombie Lady holds up two different tubes of lipstick - one blood red and one that's more of an earth tone.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

CARDER: (As Narrator) And then I understand. She wants my opinion. I step back, look at her skin, which I guess is sort of a grayish bologna color and point to the earth tone tube.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

CARDER: (As Narrator) That one - matches your blouse better.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

CARDER: (As Narrator) She's holding the lipstick in her right hand, which has a hole where the ring finger should be. I pull her digit out of my pocket and offer it to her. She takes it and jams it into the hole and then sort of nods, as if to say thanks.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

SMITH: (As Janine) I'm in firearms. Stay low.

CARDER: (As Narrator) She's - she's not going to hurt us.

SMITH: (As Janine) What are you talking about? She's going to eat us. She's going to eat our brains.

CARDER: (As Narrator) No, I don't - I don't think so. That's not what she's doing here.

SMITH: (As Janine) Then what is she doing here?

CARDER: (As Narrator) I think she's getting ready for a date.

SMITH: (As Janine) What?

CARDER: (As Narrator) She's - wait, she's heading over to video games.

(SOUNDBITE OF VIDEO GAME)

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: Reload.

SMITH: (As Janine) What's happening? What's happening?

CARDER: (As Narrator) Our friend just discovered Red Dead Redemption Undead Nightmare. Got to go.

SMITH: (As Janine) OK, hang on. I'm on my way.

(SOUNDBITE OF VIDEO GAME)

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: Reload.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

CARDER: (As Narrator) Hey, it's OK. It's OK. Hey, calm down. It's just a video game.

BURNIAS: (As Pretty Zombie Lady) (Growling).

(SOUNDBITE OF FOOTSTEPS AND GUN LOADING)

SMITH: (As Janine) I'll shoot you.

CARDER: (As Narrator) Janine, stop.

SMITH: (As Janine) She's a zombie, you idiot. She's going to bite you and infect you or something. Isn't that how it works?

CARDER: (As Narrator) No, look, I know this sounds crazy, but she's not going to do that.

SMITH: (As Janine) How do you know that?

CARDER: (As Narrator) I just know. Just put the gun down, and we can figure this out.

I put my hand on top of Janine's and slowly lower the gun. Her hand is warm and full of blood.

Hey, would you like to see a movie on Thursday?

SMITH: (As Janine) Are you asking her or me?

CARDER: (As Narrator) Looks like she's already seeing someone. I'm asking you.

SMITH: (As Janine) Well, then, yeah, I would like to see a movie on Thursday.

CARDER: (As Narrator) Cool.

Whatever flicker of awareness I might have seen behind Pretty Zombie Lady's eyes a moment ago isn't there anymore. She turns and drags herself toward the exit and then with a whoosh of the automatic double doors, she's gone.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

WASHINGTON: Thank you, Pretty Zombie Lady, for helping our man find the courage to ask Janine out. Justin Carder was our narrator, Melissa Burnias was the Pretty Zombie Lady, and our own Eliza Smith played Janine. That story comes from Charles Yu's collection "Sorry, Please, Thank You." And for more information about Charlie and his amazing writing, visit us at snapjudgment.org. That piece was produced by Eliza Smith, with sound design by Pat Mesiti-Miller.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

WASHINGTON: It's about that time, but don't you worry. Just subscribe to the amazing SNAP JUDGMENT story-rific podcast and get your fix any time, any place, your way - snapjudgment.org. Hit up Snap on Facebook or Twitter and get the story behind the story.

Snap was produced by myself and the team that will live in infamy. The guy who'd drive my Bronco down the freeway, the uber-producer, Mr. Mark Ristich. Pat Mesiti-Miller, Anna Sussman, Joe Rosenberg, Julia DeWitt and Nancy Lopez hate the paparazzi. But Davey Kim, Renzo Gorrio, Eliza Smith, Ana Adlerstein, Leon Morimoto and Matt Ducat think they're cool. Jazmin Aguilera breaks the tie.

Now, did you ever convince someone to steal a cop's gun? If they did it, it's their own fault, not mine. I'm talking to you, Corporation for Public Broadcasting, but much love to the CPB. PRX, the Public Radio Exchange - we convinced them that tightrope walking was really easy if you did it blindfolded - prx.org. And surely, you're aware that this is not the news. No way is this the news. In fact, you could wake up to a zombie apocalypse, run about trying to save the neighbors before realizing the neighbors that the neighbors - oh, no, the neighbors look delicious. And you would still not be as far away from the news as this is, but this is NPR. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.